Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
