i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
