I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
