You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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