After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
