First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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