he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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