did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I party with great urgency now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
