But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Someone came in the potted fern
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
