There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
