I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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