I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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