i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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