I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
