I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
