"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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