Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
