Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
What drink are we having for lunch?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
