My Higher Power is John Stamos
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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