: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
