Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
