Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
