I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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