I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
