I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
