also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
