just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
