Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
