Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
