I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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