I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
