his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
