Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
