highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
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