If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
