when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
