you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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