i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
