Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
