The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
