I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
