a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
