Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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