the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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