now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
