Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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