I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
