Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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