yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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