Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
there is glitter all over my balls
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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